The Biggest Spider I Have Ever Seen . . . (updated)

. . . was in my bathroom this morning. Just sayin' . . .

Wait... there's more! I let this guy outside. Didn't feel right just killing him. But two days later, there was another spider just like him, back in my bathroom. Was he the same one? I don't know. But it felt like Saving Private Ryan, when they let the guy go instead of killing him. But in the end, the guy comes back.

(The first spider pictured was actually the second spider. The second spider was the first one I found. I couldn't figure out how to position those right. Either that or I just didn't want to take the time to figure it out!)

Set Me Free!

My brother Jeff, part 1

Today is September 30.

It has been four years since I lost my brother.

I still remember that day pretty clearly. Most of it, at least.

It was a Saturday. I don't remember what I did during the day, but late that afternoon, my mom called me and told me that I needed to come see Jeff. The doctors had said that this would be his last night. I think I knew that this day could be coming, but I don't I ever seriously thought it could actually happen. I mean, this is the kind of thing that happens to other people, but not to my family.

Was my brother really going to die tonight?

What is that going to be like?

What's going to happen?

Will I get there in time?

What happens next?

Is this really happening?

Is this for real?

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

When I got to the Hospice facility that Jeff was living at, my parents where there with Gwen (Jeff's wife) and their three kids. Tommy and Amy and their families were coming up too, but hadn't gotten there yet. We all got to sit around his bed and just talk and laugh (yes, we laughed) and just prepared ourselves for what we hoped would not happen. We played music (music that still reminds me of that night when I hear it) for Jeff that we knew he liked. I think we were all in shock and horror at what we were experiencing. And sure enough, at 9:40 pm, Jeff breathed his last breath. I watched my brother pass from this life on to the next. It was the single most powerful moment of my life.

That week was just surreal. We all took the week off from our jobs and prepared for the funeral. Calling hours were kind of exhausting (there were soooo many people who came out) but they were actually kind of fun. Just like Jeff would have wanted it, I'm sure. The funeral was weird. Everyone said it was a great funeral, as far as funerals go. But I found myself several times just sort of taking a mental step backwards and asking myself, "Is this for real? Is that really my brother in the casket in front of me? Am I really up on stage speaking at my brother's funeral?" At the end of the funeral the preacher asked the family to leave first. I couldn't believe that I actually qualified to leave for that. I mean, that must mean that this is MY family involved. Moments like that still stick with me.

It is still kind of weird to go the cemetery and see Jeff's grave. It took a while before he actually had a headstone at his grave. And the first time I saw it in place it was kind of like a punch in the gut. I saw his name there. It was for real. And not only was his name there, but it was MY name too. That was MY last name staring at me. That last name should not be at the cemetery. Jeff should be at his house with Gwen and the kids. I wanted to yell at him to wake up and go home! Jeff, what are you doing here? We need you back!

I guess over time you do get used to the fact that someone is gone. Not that you like it or even get over it. But you accept it and try to move forward. But as time goes on I realize how much I feel like we all lost. Jeff really was a good guy. I know that everyone says that when someone dies, but honestly, he was. I don't even remember Jeff ever getting in trouble when he was a kid. Everyone liked him. I still run into some of Jeff's former students (he was a sixth grade teacher for a long time) who say that he was their favorite teacher ever. I miss having a brother like that. I miss sharing my life with his. I miss having someone looking out for me like that in a way that only a brother can do.

I don't know if I really have a point in all this. I just felt like sharing it. And since it's my blog... I can do that.



I want to share a couple of things that some of you may have already read. I wrote both of these some time ago, but I want to post them here in honor of today.

The first is the tribute that I wrote and read at the funeral.

The second is something that I wrote about two years later.

They are both posted below.

Jeff, part 2

This was read at Jeff's funeral

Jeff and I were constant playmates growing up. Looking through some old photos this week, it was fun to think back on all of the things that we used to do together. We used to build tents in the living room and play all day in it. He was always organizing some kind of baseball tournament for us all to play in in the back yard. We traded baseball cards and planned surprise parties for our parents. I used to love emptying out our toy box and spend time playing inside of the toy box itself. One of my favorite pictures of the two of us is one where we were both sitting on the kitchen floor and we were eating the rest of the cake batter in the bowl. I wasn’t even two years old then, so Jeff was feeding me the chocolate and we both had it all over our faces.

Because of his unique sense of humor, Jeff had a way of coming across very serious and then hilarious all at the same time. Sometimes when he would tell a story you never knew if he was serious or not until he delivered a punch line at the end. He had a way of doing or saying something unexpected at just the right moment to make me laugh. I can remember when we were younger, going out to play in the snow. While Tommy and I were building snowmen, Jeff made a full size snow sculpture of a toilet. We both attended Malone College and had a couple of classes together. In the one class, we had a professor who didn’t like us to be distracted and got upset if we weren’t paying attention. Of course, Jeff would try his hardest to make me laugh in that class, and would always reach over and write things on my notes. There were times in that class when I heard very little of what was being taught because I was concentrating on not laughing for the whole hour. Jeff had a remote controlled fart machine that he loved to use on people and make them wonder what was going on. As recently as last week, he would ask it to be placed under his bed so it could be set off when the nurses would come check on him. Even up to the very end, he kept his sense of humor.

As my older brother, Jeff was always looking out for me too. In college when I was taking calculus and realized that I was in over my head, there were several times that I would call him to help me understand what I was trying to do. And the one time after he helped me, he even gave me a couple of dollars so that my friends and I could go out and buy donuts, since he knew I had no money. A couple of years ago, my car broke down and I again had no money. When he found out, he actually gave me one of his cars– to keep. And again, as recently as last week, he wanted to make sure that I knew that I could drive one of his cars if mine ever broke down. A couple of months ago I went through some of his computer files to try to find all of his website updates. One file that I pulled up ended up being a prayer list that he had saved on his computer. There in the list of things that he was praying for was my name. In the midst of his suffering, Jeff was praying for me. Of course, he wasn’t perfect and didn’t always look out for me. When we were kids and it came to who was going to hang their coat on “the good hanger” or eat cereal with “the good spoon,” it was every man for himself.

Jeff had several passions in his life. He loved to run, he loved to teach, and he loved his family and friends. Throughout Jeff’s illness, he received a lot of support from a lot of people. At one point, after realizing how many people were praying for him and supporting him, he said, “I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I feel like I am the most loved person in the world. I have a family who loves me, I have friends who love me, and I have a church who loves me.” Jeff knew the value of his family and friends and didn’t take them for granted.

When I think about Jeff being in heaven now, the picture that I have in my head is him running. I know the Bible says that he is doing other things too, but I picture him running. He loved to run. I never heard Jeff complain about his sickness. The closest I heard him come was when he said that he hoped he could run again. As Jeff was breathing his last breaths, Gwen prayed over him Isaiah 40:31 that says that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” As soon as we knew that Jeff was gone, someone made the comment that he was running now. The next morning, I went to church. We sang a song called “I Am Free.” It was such an amazing experience to sing that and realize how free Jeff was at that moment. The chorus of the song contains the line “I am free to run,” and was repeated several times. I had never heard that song before, and I claimed it as God’s assurance to me that Jeff was OK, and not only was he free, but he was able to do what he loved to do.

Throughout this past summer, whenever I would visit Jeff, I would always tell him the same thing when I left. I always told him, “I’ll be back to see you again Jeff. I don’t know when for sure, but I’ll see you again.” The one time I told him that, he responded differently than he ever did before. His response was, “Just make sure it’s soon.” It turns out that those were the last words he ever spoke to me. And because of our mutual faith in God, I know that I can still tell him now, “I’ll be back to see you again, Jeff. I don’t know for sure when, but I’ll see you again.” And the first thing I’m going to ask him is “Was it soon enough?”

Jeff, part 3

December 8, 2008

I had a dream the other night about Jeff. I have had other dreams over the past couple of years that have had Jeff in them, but this was the first time that the dream had nothing to do with him being sick. Jeff was in this dream, but it never crossed my mind once that he was supposed to be sick or even not here at all.

In this dream, Jeff was a contestant on the show Deal or No Deal (don’t laugh– you know you have had weird dreams too). I don’t remember much about the actual game that he played, except that I remember that he took the deal at the end, and ending up winning $330,000. We were all so excited for him, and we all rushed up on the stage and we were jumping up and down and celebrating like the people do on there when they win big. (As a side note, I have always said that I would not be a very good contestant on that show because I would be so self conscious about jumping up and down and being obnoxious in front of all of those people. I’m just not that type to do that, even if no one is around. Come to think of it, I can’t imagine Jeff doing that either. It’s kind of weird that we were both doing that in this dream though.)

Anyway, while we were up there celebrating, Jeff turned and looked at Tom and told him that if he wanted to go to college, that he would pay for the whole thing out of his winnings. Tom was, of course, excited (despite the fact that he already has a college degree). Then he told me that he was going to use this money to pay off all of my debts. No more student loan, no more car payment– nothing. Jeff was going to pay it all. Well, that did it for me. I remember a huge feeling of relief coming over me. I wasn’t going to owe anyone anything any more. I stood there calculating how much money it was going to take to do that, and I was actually crying because I was so happy. Every time I remembered another thing that I owed money for, I would get excited all over again, and would began celebrating even more. I was free to do whatever I wanted with my money now!

Then I woke up.

I remember feeling so disappointed that it wasn’t for real. I still owe that money. Jeff really didn’t win all of that money. In fact, Jeff wasn’t even here any more. I was so excited about the gift that Jeff had given me, and then so disappointed when it was gone.

As I thought about that more throughout the day, I thought about two different things.

First, I should be celebrating, because my debt has been paid. Not financial debts, but a debt that I owe to God. I, along with everyone else on this earth, have done things wrong and gone against what God expects from me. And because of that, I owe God a debt. The debt can only be paid with my life. God says in the Bible that the payment that is expected when we do these wrong things is death (see Romans chapter 6, verse 23 at the bottom of the page). I deserve to die for the things that I have done. That’s pretty intense when you think about it. Every day, I’m out there living my life, and every time I do something wrong, God expects my life in return. I don’t think that this literally means that I should drop dead every time I sin. The fact is, we are all going to die one day. This verse is referring to what is going to happen after we die.

After we die, we are all going to stand before God, and he is going to expect payment on those debts that we owe for the things that we have done. If we have ever done anything–even once– on earth that has gone against what God expects from us, we will experience another kind of death. That’s what hell is– an eternal death. That is the payment for our debt.

Following so far? Good, because there is actually good news to along with that scary news.

That good news is that God has provided another way to pay that debt. God loves us humans, and doesn’t want to see any of us miss out on spending eternity with him in heaven. That’s where Jesus comes into the picture. Jesus (who the Bible teaches is God) actually came to earth in order to pay that debt for us. He was crucified, which was an especially brutal form of execution. In doing that, God put the punishment for our sins upon him.

It’s kind of like this: I watched O.J. Simpson get sentenced the other day. Imagine that, after the judge read him his sentence, someone came forward and said, “Your Honor, I know that O.J. Simpson was just found to be guilty and now there is a punishment to along with that. I am asking, however, that I be the one that goes to prison, and O.J. goes home as a free man. I will take his punishment.” This, in itself, would be shocking, but what would even more surprising would be if the judge took a second, thought about, and said, “OK, that’s fine. Mr. Simpson, you are free go to. Officers, please handcuff this man instead and take him into custody.” Imagine the relief that would rush over O.J. Simpson. It’s not that there is no punishment, it’s just that he doesn’t have to be the one that receives it. Imagine the gratitude he would have toward the one that did that, if he were to accept that offer. He would be a free person! He would avoid the punishment of prison, and be free to go home, and live the rest of his life in freedom.

Now, apply that same situation to the whole concept of the debt that we owe to God. There will be punishment for your sins. Someday you will stand before God and receive that punishment. You have a choice now, though. Are you going to accept that punishment (which the Bible says is an eternity in hell), or are you going to accept that Jesus has already paid that debt for you?

The Bible says that if we accept what Jesus has done for us, and believe that he really paid it for us when he died, then our debt is paid in full. It’s not that there is no punishment, it’s just that you don’t have to be the one that receives it. And imagine the gratitude that you would have toward the one that did that, if you were to accept that offer. You would be a free person! You would avoid the punishment of hell, be free to enter heaven, and to live your life the way that it was intended to be lived here on earth. (It might even make you want to jump and scream like one of the obnoxious Deal or No Deal contestants!)

So to jump back to several paragraphs ago, when I said that my debt has been paid. It’s not a financial debt at all (although that would still be nice . . . ). Jesus paid my debt for me. The Bible is very clear though, that everyone has to make a choice here on earth. The choice is whether to accept and believe that or not (see John chapter 3, verse 16 at the bottom of the page). What’s your choice? Are you going to reject this, and live the way that you want, or are you going to accept this gift and live the way God wants? The Bible says that if we choose to believe that, then we are forgiven for the sins that we have done. If we confess to God that we have messed up and need his help by paying our debt, then he will forgive us and erase that sin from our record (see 1 John, chapter 1, verse 9, at the bottom of the page). We don't have to do anything to earn this. It is not based on our good deeds. It is all based on what he did for us.





Sorry, that was kind of long. Are you still with me? If so, here’s the second thing that I took from that dream that I had about Jeff. In that dream, Jeff gave me that gift of the money. It has occurred to me that Jeff, has, in fact, given me a gift. This gift was actually given on September 30, 2006– the night that Jeff died. I, along with my entire immediate family, was there as Jeff breathed his last breaths. We were all there and watched him go.

How was that a gift, you ask? Well, since you asked, let me tell you. I was struck that night, and many times since that night, with the realization that someday that will be me. Someday I will breathe my last breath. Someday I will face death. Of course, everyone knows that, but honestly, I am guessing that many people live from day to day without really thinking about their own mortality. I know I really didn’t. It’s such an abstract concept and it’s hard to really imagine what that’s like. But the gift that Jeff gave me was a realization, a reminder, that my day is coming too. It could be today, it could be 50 years from now, but the clock is ticking. That can be a depressing thought, or you can turn that into good. I have chosen to turn that reminder into a gift. I think about the fact that I am going to die someday much more than I ever did. I look at situations with that in mind and it really helps to put things into perspective. Someday I will be gone. What choices am I going to make today that I can look back on at the end of my life and be proud of? What am I doing now to make sure that I don’t have regrets when that day comes? What am I doing to get ready for eternity?

I feel like I have big shoes to fill in order to leave the kind of legacy that Jeff did, but I know that all I can do is be faithful to what God expects from me. I have no idea if my time is coming soon, or if it is a long way off. But I do know that because of the reminder of Jeff’s experience, I can live my life with that reminder to make the most of the time that God has given me. My debt has been paid, and I am a free man!


(Verses quoted above)

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 John 1:9-10 But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. [And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.] (Quoted from The Living Bible)


As always, I welcome your comments or questions or whatever. You can leave them below, or email me at BrianJamesIsBack@gmail.com